Tactics
by Dharma Bum
Summary: World of Warcraft specific. Listening to others reminisce about old battles, and why it may not be a good idea.


"This," said the gnome, "like any story worth telling, is all about an explosion."

There was little reaction to this. The two dwarves, identical down to the braids in their red beards, huddled before the inn's fire and said nothing. The night elf picked at his food. Minkala blew bubbles in her beer. "Don' pay attention to 'im," the troll said, "it only encourages 'im."

"This was in Blackrock Depths," said the gnome. "You know about Blackrock Depths, right? It's deep and has black rock. It's warm. A lot warmer than here in Everlook."

"Too cold here," said one dwarf.

"Yes," said the other. "Definitely too cold."

"You're dwarves," the elf said. "I thought you don't get cold."

"Stereotyping," said the first dwarf.

"Bigotry," said the second dwarf.

"All dwarves do not run around naked in the cold drinking beer and hitting things with axes," said the first dwarf. "It is a vile libel."

"We are tired of racist remarks," said the second dwarf. "Especially from night elves."

"All night elves are racist," the first dwarf said.

"So we're down in the depth part of Blackrock Depths," said the gnome, "and there's all this black rock, and it was pretty hot. And I had my dynamite with me, even though everyone said no, don't bring it, but I said, you never can tell when we might want to blow something up. So I had my dynamite."

"Do you know," said the troll, "do you have de faintes' idea, how bored I be wit' dis story."

"Well, you were there."

"No I wasn't."

"Somebody was there," said the gnome. "Some Hordish person." He turned to Minkala. "What about you?"

The Tauren licked foam from her muzzle. "I have never been to the Eastern Kingdoms," she said. "Is it nice?"

"Except for Blackrock Depths," said the gnome, "which is all depthy and hot. But it is very nice. My cousin lives in Stranglethorn, you should look him up."

"I thought this story was about Blackrock Depths," said the night elf.

"It is. That's my cousin that I was thinking about that was there. He's sort of Hordish because he lives in a Hordish area."

"Traitor," said the first dwarf.

"All gnomes are traitors," said the second dwarf. "They let us down during the war."

"And they're prejudiced against dwarves," said the first dwarf.

"Racists," agreed the second dwarf. "All gnomes are racist."

"So I am there in Blackrock Depths, with my dynamite that everyone said not to bring but I brought it anyway, and also my cousin from Stranglethorn. And my cousin said that my aunt, that's my mother's sister, was going to have a birthday party and could I come, and also not bring my dynamite. And we went around the corner and there was this humongous fire elemental there."

"He was large then," said the night elf.

"No, that's the kind of fire elemental he was. Humongous. You know, there's like lesser fire elementals, and greater ones, and humongous ones. And this was a Humongous Fire Elemental. So my cousin was like, whoa."

"There be no such t'ing as a Humongous Fire Elemental, in caps," said the troll. "There be a humongous Fire Elemental, adjectival phrase."

"Fire Elementals are racist," said the first dwarf. "They are always blowing up dwarves."

"My cousin said, my cousin who lives in Stranglethorn and knows things, he said whoa, that's a Humongous Fire Elemental, and he said it in caps. And everyone said oh no, what are we going to do? They said, if only we had some dynamite! if only we hadn't told you not to bring your dynamite!"

"I suspect a plot twist approaching," said the night elf.

"And I said ha ha, I do have my dynamite! And I whipped it out, like this." He demonstrated with his mug. Flecks of ale spattered the group.

"Dis story get stupider ever' time you tell it," said the troll. "You used to jus' settle for 'pulling' it out, now you be 'whipping' it out."

The night elf winced. "Bad mental image," he said, laying his ears back against his head. "Very bad."

"And I lit the dynamite, like this. And I threw it at him!" The gnome hurled the mug into the fire. Spilled ale sizzled, and smoke billowed from the coals.

"Excuse me," Minkala said. "Did you say you threw explosives at a fire elemental?"

"Yes," said the gnome proudly.

"Tauren," said the first dwarf. "Always questioning everything."

"Suspicious beasts," said the second dwarf.

"Racists," agreed the first dwarf. "All Tauren are racist."

"Is that wise?" Minkala went on. "I mean...wouldn't that cause a rather dangerous explosion?"

"You betcha," said the gnome. "It was a humongous explosion, no caps."

"How on earth did you survive?"

"Oh, we didn't, we all died. And I was running back from the spirit healer and my cousin said, did I have any more dynamite? And I said, no and he said, good."

"Ask 'im what happen' to de elemental," the troll said. "Just ask 'im."

"It chased us all the way to the door after we rezzed," said the gnome. "It turns out you can't actually blow up something that's on fire already, which is a total ripoff if you ask me."

"A fascinating tale," said the elf. "I could hardly remain asleep. Did you ever return to Blackrock Depths?"

"Not yet," said the gnome. "I'm trying to invent some water dynamite first."

"Water dynamite," said the elf.

"Don' ask," said the troll.

"Yes, it's going to be dynamite that causes this big explosion of water so it puts the fire elementals out."

"I tol' you not to ask."

"I wish I had listened," said the elf.

"Would you like to come? Instead of my cousin, because apparently he has to work for like the next six years or something he said when I asked him. In fact you all should come once I have my water dynamite so that we can see how it works. I'll tell you when I'm ready to go."

"Dat's good," said the troll, "because dat way I'll know to go to de deepest part of Un'Goro an' stay dere 'til you be done."

"Devilsaurs," said the elf.

"Devilsaurs better dan gnome wit' explosives," said the troll.

"All trolls are racist against gnomes," said the first dwarf.

"Which means they are racist against dwarves by proxy," said the second dwarf.

"You," the gnome said to Minkala, "you definitely can come. My cousin, the one who lives in Stranglethorn, there are lots of trees there, and night elves like trees. And night elves have druids, and so do Tauren. So we're like practically related. So you have to come."

"To Blackrock Depths?" Minkala asked.

"To my aunt's birthday party," said the gnome. "As long as you don't bring dynamite."

"His aunt make some killer fried chicken," said the troll.

The elf stirred. "I like fried chicken."

The first dwarf looked at the second dwarf. "I have not heard bad things about chicken," he said.

The second dwarf looked at the first dwarf. "Chicken is agreeable," he said.

"It is possible that we may be able to attend," said the first dwarf.

"Assuming there is no prejudice inherent in the distribution of the chicken," said the second dwarf.

"Great." The gnome jumped down from the table. "We'll all go to my aunt's birthday party, and then after that we can go to Blackrock Depths."

"No," said Minkala, the elf, and the troll all together. The dwarves stared into the fire.

"Or not," said the gnome. "I'm easy. I'm cooperative. We can play it by ear, you know? Like that time I was in Uldaman. Hey, did I ever tell you the story about when I was in Uldaman?"

"Ten t'ousand times," said the troll.

"It's a great story. This story," said the gnome, "like any story worth telling, is all about an explosion..." 


End file.
